I can’t tell you or anyone how to heal after miscarriage, but I can tell you what has helped me. I lost my baby to miscarriage 18 months ago. The first few months were so incredibly difficult and although every day is still hard I have found a few ways to incorporate my little Frankie into my daily life.
I have another article about my loss journey regarding remembering your little one after miscarriage. Some of the ways that have helped me heal from my loss are also ways that I remember my little Frankie, for me, they are sympatico. Remembering Frankie, helps to heal the wound of his absence. Remembering him, reminds me that he was here (even briefly) and that he mattered.
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Now on to five ways that have helped me to heal from my loss.
1. Naming Your Lost Little One
This is one of the most important steps in my mind. My miscarriage began with bleeding at 5 and half weeks. I bled for 4 weeks before the miscarriage was confirmed, but I knew in my heart that that baby needed a name. I told my husband that our baby needed a name. We agreed on Francis Michael because they were both family names.
I believe that having a name for your baby helps. It helps when your remembering them, praying for them, praying to them, sending them love.
It especially helps if they have siblings because the siblings can remember them as well. My children love talking about little Frankie. My six year old will come up to me and say “Mommy, I miss baby Frankie and wish he hadn’t gotten sick and died in your belly.” As sad and heart wrenching as those moments are, they also are deeply moving too.
2. Dedicating a Space
I actually have two spaces at my home that I have dedicated to Frankie. These are places that I will go to and have a moment with Frankie. I have one space that is outside, so on a beautiful spring day I can go out there, sit on the bench, look up at our Mary statue and pray.
My other space is in my bedroom and it is a little more personal, and has a few more special touches that help to really feel Frankie’s presence.
3. Make the space special
These spaces don’t have to be anything spectacular. There doesn’t have to be any pomp or circumstance to it. Even if it’s just a chair in the living room that you sit in the quiet and think about your baby. Or maybe you have an ultrasound picture framed on your wall.
It doesn’t need to be over the top, but it should be special to you. Somewhere you can pray or cry or express whatever emotions you need to.
My special spot has a candle that smells like cookies, a picture of Mary holding baby Jesus (who I sometimes pretend is Frankie and it gives me great comfort), a fake plant that I know can’t die, and a little pillow with a picture of St. Francis. It’s my Frankie pillow when I’m really missing him, I’ll send him a prayer and a hug.
The candle in my Frankie Spot is from The Little Rose Shop and it has a St. Zelie Martin quote that says “We shall find our little ones again up above” and it brings me great comfort.
Another one you may like is this one. The message says “I carried you every second of your life and will love you every second of mine.” No words are truer than that. Your baby only knew love… you’re love. Your warmth, your voice, your heartbeat. There wasn’t a single second that they didn’t feel your presence. That is how I remember my Frankie and nothing you buy will make it better or easier. I just love having the reminder, the light, and the warmth.
4. Pray to Your Little One
This one is the most cathartic for me. Sometimes I pray to Jesus, sometimes I pray to Mary to watch over him as a proxy mother. Sometimes I pray to Frankie directly asking him to look over us and to remind him of my undying love.
>Mother’s Manual by A Francis Coomes, S.J.
I found this book a few months after my miscarriage and it brought me such immense comfort and consolation. It has so many prayers within it that show the beauty and love of Jesus to mothers during our times of grief. My favorite prayer in the book is this one:
“My darling [mention the child’s name] now in joy before the throne of God, you are close to /god, and in your spotless innocence, which He loves, you can speak to Him with a voice tat He will surely heed. You are still my little baby and will surely regard the prayers of your mother, who bore you. I address then my petitions to you. Intercede for me and obtain the favor that I here ask as a mother from her child who stands before the throne of God [here mention petition]. But if what I here ask is not for the glory of /god and the good of souls, do you obtain the what is most conducive to both. Amen.”
5. Send your baby a hug
I already mentioned this. It is also easier if you have a physical stuffed memento. I see my Frankie pillow every day and send him a hug. This is the pillow I got for my little Frankie from Little Saint Stories.
My little Frankie would be a year old as I’m writing this. He would be starting to walk and say Mama. I don’t know much about him, except that his name is Frankie, he is mine, he is loved, and he will never be forgotten and that gives me comfort.
6. Have a Personalized Item, like Jewelry that you can carry with you.
There are so many options around for this so finding something that suits your style and the words in your heart may be easier than you think. This bracelet is one that matches my heart and my personal style. You can get a necklace, bracelet, ring, key chain, whatever means more to you.
7. Journaling
One of the best ways that I have found healing after my loss, is through journaling. Writing down my feelings, my disappointments, my anger, and most often my grief. I haven’t felt that breath-stealing pit in my chest recently. I’m busy, I have 5 other children, but I want to always remember Frankie. When I journal, I think of him and I write him love notes. I make sure he knows that I love and miss him. That I wish he were still here and I wonder what he would be doing. Journaling is so cathartic for me. You can write anywhere using anything, but I personally love these bullet journal style notebooks.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting and healing doesn’t mean healed. I will never be healed in this life by the pain and the scar left behind by the death of my baby. But every day, getting up and out of bed is easier because I remember that Frankie isn’t hurting, he is healed. That gives me comfort.
I hope at least one of these bullet points helps you. Know that I will be praying for you and your little one. Please leave a comment if you found this article helpful or if you have more ideas on how to help with healing after miscarriage.